the ramblings of an anxious mind

Month: May 2019

Tank Anxiety

I play Final Fantasy 14, an MMO based in the Final Fantasy universe. I love this game. I’ve played through the story 5 times, even though the game lets you level up multiple jobs on a character, which mostly removes the need for “alts”. But the story is great and the gameplay is fun and really, I just love it.

However, every time I try to play a “tank” character, I freak out, get too afraid to actually queue for dungeons, and then I quit playing it. And it’s so stupid. I did a dungeon today where our tank did almost nothing. They ran to the next group of mobs and pulled one, but they never did any AOE threat, never responded to any chat messages, just.. I half think that they must have been a bot, because surely no actual person could be that terrible, right? Anyway, we made it through the dungeon anyway, even though it was annoying.

So, if rando bot person can tank, why can’t I? I know I can do better than that. Actually, I’m pretty sure I can do just fine, but my brain gets skeered and I’m afraid people will be mean to me, and it’s ridiculous. I’m a good player, for the most part. I’m not perfect, and I don’t always optimize the best, but I do my job the best I can and obviously that is good enough according to the game. Why can’t I get over this stupid anxiety?

Decision Paralysis

I’m still stuck spinning my wheels (mentally speaking). I have so many things that I kind of want to do but when I think about doing any of them, I just .. don’t. Or I don’t have the right inspiration when I do.

Still pondering a new site design. This is something that I get the itch to do every few months or years. Every time I do it, I end up going through miles of site templates that all kind of look the same but better than anything I can do (probably because they’re actually finished more than anything). So far, I have a color palette? I think?

It’s a little more pastel than I usually like, but it’s appealing to me right now. I’ve been trying to embrace pink as a color. I spent most of my life feeling like girly things were bad, and pink pretty definitely fell into that category. But “girly things are bad” is pretty shitty and misogynistic, much like my old “I’m not like the other girls” bullshit, so I’m trying to get over it. Pink is difficult because my mom pushed it on me so much and because my husband lived in a house where everything was a particular shade of pink for a while right after his parents got divorced (it’s understandably not a happy color for him). But we’ve determined that pinks like the one above don’t bother him, and I like it because it’s more .. light red..than a sweet, sugary, fairy pink? Which is stupid, but whatever, I like it.

All that said, I’m unsure how I’ll actually end up using it. I keep waffling between “clean but bold” and “light and breezy”. Eventually I’ll settle on something, hopefully. Or at least throw a mock-up together. Or something. It’s kind of sad how badly my skills erode every time I take a break. I wonder if I would enjoy it more if I didn’t have to relearn half of what I know every time I pick it back up again. It’s kind of like The Wheel of Time – I enjoyed it all okay the first time I read most of the books, but because I reread them all every time a new one came out, I was so thoroughly sick of the story and couldn’t help but pick out all the annoying flaws that I gave up right smack in the middle.

Anyway. I don’t know if it’s really helping me to write out how I’m feeling like this, but it means that I have accomplished something when my brain gets like this, so I guess that’s not nothing. It’s not much, but it’s something.

My Brain, the Garbage Disposal

Today has been one of those days where I’m restless and want to do something, but I just don’t know what. Setting up this site re-ignited my interest in web design, even though I think I’m pretty happy with the current theme – I’m not going to be doing much with this blog aside from writing, so I don’t need anything fancy. Nevertheless, I started looking into doing theme development and re-discovered the rabbit hole that is web design in 2019.

I’m used to using Sass, a CSS pre-processor that lets you do design a bit more programmatically, so I tried to install that. The installer politely informed me that “Ruby Sass” was end of life (!!!) and that the new version was now “Dart Sass” (!?!). What? So then I had to figure out how to install that and update my path and everything. But I finally figured all that out, yay me.

Another tool that I was really accustomed to was cloud9, a in-browser development IDE and server container. It was awesome! You could make a new instance as much as you wanted, with a number of different flavors for the OS and installed languages. You could clone other instances, so once you got one setup with all the dependencies that you wanted, you could just start with that instance and go from there. It was amazing. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that it got bought out by Amazon, but here we are. It still exists, but now it lives in Amazon AWS, which is.. a huge convoluted dumpster fire that really deserves its own post. The best thing about cloud9 was that it pretty much removed most of the “dev-ops” requirement of coding (wherein you had to know how to setup a server and a database, etc., just to get started). And now most of it is still like that, but like.. you’re in AWS! Which is huge and terrifying and has way too many moving parts and what if I fuck up and run my charges up to some massive amount accidentally? AHHHHH.

And then there’s WordPress. Which has honestly come a long way since my last serious forays into theme development. And that’s great! But there is so much crap to learn. So many pages and templates and widgets and much. Add to it that I kind of hate JavaScript and its BFF ‘npm’, and the fact that the webdev world seems to worship at the alter of ‘npm’ these days, and I’m having a rough time.

As if all of that wasn’t enough, I don’t even know what I want to do! I like this theme. I like other themes with a fixed left side-bar or background. I like minimalist fonts and fancy fonts and bright colors and subtle colors and special effects and simplicity and it’s just infuriating. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, BRAIN??? JUST PICK SOMETHING ALREADY. >.<

So instead, I came here to bitch. Maybe I’ll still try to make something, I don’t know. I should be doing work, but instead I’m trying to resurrect an all-but-dead skill with no goal or direction or anything beyond “that sounds fun” or “this could be better”. *sigh*

rest in peace, old friend

I lost an old friend today. It feels strange to describe it that way, because it’s nothing “more” than a really old keyboard. But that keyboard has been with me my entire adult life. It went with me to college and followed me to where I live now, some 20 years and several moves later.

I’m a gamer and programmer, and it’s safe to say that I spend the vast majority of my life in front of my keyboard. Of course, the keyboard at work counts for a lot of that time, but nevertheless, my beloved Logitech Cordless Comfort keyboard was exactly what I wanted and worked flawlessly for 20 years, through changing interface technology (its wireless receiver still has a PS/2 plug on it, though it thankfully also has a USB) and changes in the average keyboard design.

And, it turns out, it’s irreplaceable. There is no keyboard on the market currently that has the same features that made me love my old friend: wireless, ergonomic (split keyboard), with a removable wrist rest and a relatively small footprint. I’ll have to make do with something like the Microsoft Natural Keyboard, which, while it will get the job done, is so much bigger than my Logitech that it feels completely different in the keyboard drawer.

You served me well, Logitech Cordless Comfort keyboard, and you won’t be forgotten. Rest in peace, my friend.

Wise words from Matoya

You can only do what can be done, and that but one thing at a time!

Matoya from FFXIV

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with having to do so many things, but it’s good to remember that I need not worry about the things I cannot do, and that the only way to make progress is by picking one thing and doing it, then the next, and so on. I don’t need to juggle to get things done; I just need to do one thing. These days, any one thing would be better progress than I usually make.

Me, most days

My cats being beautiful~

‘Here we go again’ again

"You know that sound the fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my mind makes all the time."

As is normal for me, I made a single post some 9 months ago and never followed up with anything. But I’m starting therapy in a few weeks and my thoughts have been more garbage disposal-like than ever of late, so it seemed a good idea to try this again.

The worst part of it all is that my motivation has sunk so low that I rarely get any work done at all. I’ve managed to finagle my way out of trouble so far, but I feel terrible about it. You’d think that would lead to motivation to do work, but it hasn’t. I’m hopeful that the therapy will help, but I don’t know enough to be real confident. I just feel so stuck. I know in my brain that I need to do work, but the impulse never results in action. How can that even be? Am I’m just lazy? Does the signal get lost somewhere between my brain and my hands?

That said. This also gave me a bit of a creative outlet and a chance to learn more about the new Blocks editor in WordPress which may come in handy at work (if I can ever find my motivation). Jon and I are starting up a website for our Eberron 5e campaign; my lack of motivation may be an issue there too, but maybe I’ll enjoy it enough.

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