metaplanes.net

the ramblings of an anxious mind

Category: Mental Health

♪ It’s been a while… ♪

As usual, I failed to keep up with my writing. But I’m back now. It’s been a pretty rough year. Jon has been sick for 6 months (and out of work), I’ve been struggling with my depression, and I’ve realized that I kind of hate my job. I like some of the people I work with, but the actual work that I do holds no interest for me anymore. It doesn’t help that Jon works in the same place, with the same people, but is higher up in the chain. I am stuck, as my therapist says, in Jon’s shadow, and that’s not a great place to be.

It’s funny, because I’ve never really thought about it that way, but it’s true. I’ve spent so much of my life wishing that I could be as good at getting things done as Jon is, or as good at some video game as Jon. It’s stupid, because there are plenty of things that *I* can do: I can make web apps, I can do some web design, I knit, I read, I write.. I could be better than I am at all those things, but they are things that are mine, rather than his or ours. I think I need to make an effort to both expand that list of things and to be better at remembering that it exists.

In any case, I think I want to quit my job. I’ve been thinking that since last summer, but it’s been more of a stress-avoidance feeling than anything else until recently. I’ve been thinking since my last appointment with my therapist about what I might do if I didn’t have my job any more. And somehow, I randomly ended up reading a question on https://ask.metafilter.com from someone who had a disability that prevented them from working normal 9-5 hours, and one of the answers mentioned maybe doing remote copyediting or proofreading. And that set off fireworks in my brain.

I’m good at writing and good at proofreading — Jon and my former boss ask me to proof their emails or documents pretty frequently, and I had a huge part in getting our unit documentation in order. What’s more, I think that kind of job would be of the form where I would get discrete tasks and have to do them, generally with a pretty hard and fast deadline. And that’s what I want. If it happened to come with a side of working from home, that would be even better. So I’m going to look into it. I was so fired up that I got off my ass, got over my stupid phone anxiety for 10 minutes (talked to a very lovely older woman, so not only was it not scary, but it was actually pretty nice), and got my college email account reset so I could access things like requesting a transcript. I don’t know if I want to go back to school, but where I work has a pretty good Technical Writing program that would probably be useful if I did. I might check and see if the community college has something more focused on proofreading, though.

It’s weird. I don’t know if it’s the prospect of something new or the prospect of just getting out of my current position, but I actually kind of feel good about this right now. To the point where I wanted to write about it, even. I don’t know if this feeling will last, but it feels like it could be the beginning of an upswing. I really hope it is.

© Hyperbole and a Half

*clap clap*

Tank Anxiety

I play Final Fantasy 14, an MMO based in the Final Fantasy universe. I love this game. I’ve played through the story 5 times, even though the game lets you level up multiple jobs on a character, which mostly removes the need for “alts”. But the story is great and the gameplay is fun and really, I just love it.

However, every time I try to play a “tank” character, I freak out, get too afraid to actually queue for dungeons, and then I quit playing it. And it’s so stupid. I did a dungeon today where our tank did almost nothing. They ran to the next group of mobs and pulled one, but they never did any AOE threat, never responded to any chat messages, just.. I half think that they must have been a bot, because surely no actual person could be that terrible, right? Anyway, we made it through the dungeon anyway, even though it was annoying.

So, if rando bot person can tank, why can’t I? I know I can do better than that. Actually, I’m pretty sure I can do just fine, but my brain gets skeered and I’m afraid people will be mean to me, and it’s ridiculous. I’m a good player, for the most part. I’m not perfect, and I don’t always optimize the best, but I do my job the best I can and obviously that is good enough according to the game. Why can’t I get over this stupid anxiety?

Me, most days

‘Here we go again’ again

"You know that sound the fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my mind makes all the time."

As is normal for me, I made a single post some 9 months ago and never followed up with anything. But I’m starting therapy in a few weeks and my thoughts have been more garbage disposal-like than ever of late, so it seemed a good idea to try this again.

The worst part of it all is that my motivation has sunk so low that I rarely get any work done at all. I’ve managed to finagle my way out of trouble so far, but I feel terrible about it. You’d think that would lead to motivation to do work, but it hasn’t. I’m hopeful that the therapy will help, but I don’t know enough to be real confident. I just feel so stuck. I know in my brain that I need to do work, but the impulse never results in action. How can that even be? Am I’m just lazy? Does the signal get lost somewhere between my brain and my hands?

That said. This also gave me a bit of a creative outlet and a chance to learn more about the new Blocks editor in WordPress which may come in handy at work (if I can ever find my motivation). Jon and I are starting up a website for our Eberron 5e campaign; my lack of motivation may be an issue there too, but maybe I’ll enjoy it enough.

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