metaplanes.net

the ramblings of an anxious mind

Category: Mental Health

Tank Anxiety

I play Final Fantasy 14, an MMO based in the Final Fantasy universe. I love this game. I’ve played through the story 5 times, even though the game lets you level up multiple jobs on a character, which mostly removes the need for “alts”. But the story is great and the gameplay is fun and really, I just love it.

However, every time I try to play a “tank” character, I freak out, get too afraid to actually queue for dungeons, and then I quit playing it. And it’s so stupid. I did a dungeon today where our tank did almost nothing. They ran to the next group of mobs and pulled one, but they never did any AOE threat, never responded to any chat messages, just.. I half think that they must have been a bot, because surely no actual person could be that terrible, right? Anyway, we made it through the dungeon anyway, even though it was annoying.

So, if rando bot person can tank, why can’t I? I know I can do better than that. Actually, I’m pretty sure I can do just fine, but my brain gets skeered and I’m afraid people will be mean to me, and it’s ridiculous. I’m a good player, for the most part. I’m not perfect, and I don’t always optimize the best, but I do my job the best I can and obviously that is good enough according to the game. Why can’t I get over this stupid anxiety?

Me, most days

‘Here we go again’ again

"You know that sound the fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my mind makes all the time."

As is normal for me, I made a single post some 9 months ago and never followed up with anything. But I’m starting therapy in a few weeks and my thoughts have been more garbage disposal-like than ever of late, so it seemed a good idea to try this again.

The worst part of it all is that my motivation has sunk so low that I rarely get any work done at all. I’ve managed to finagle my way out of trouble so far, but I feel terrible about it. You’d think that would lead to motivation to do work, but it hasn’t. I’m hopeful that the therapy will help, but I don’t know enough to be real confident. I just feel so stuck. I know in my brain that I need to do work, but the impulse never results in action. How can that even be? Am I’m just lazy? Does the signal get lost somewhere between my brain and my hands?

That said. This also gave me a bit of a creative outlet and a chance to learn more about the new Blocks editor in WordPress which may come in handy at work (if I can ever find my motivation). Jon and I are starting up a website for our Eberron 5e campaign; my lack of motivation may be an issue there too, but maybe I’ll enjoy it enough.

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