the ramblings of an anxious mind

Category: Mental Health

Just doing it

I’ve been on my new medication for almost two weeks now, and the difference has been pretty incredible. At first it caused some kind of nasty akathisia (basically feeling like ants are crawling up and down my arms and legs so I need to move, all. the. time), but that seems to have passed now, and I’m just left with this almost boundless need to do things. I cleaned my closet, dear reader. I voluntarily cleaned my closet. I packed up all the ill-fitting clothes and banished them to Goodwill without a second thought. I washed everything that needed it and put it away. I cleaned up the huge piles of junk that had all but taken over my room. It’s bizarre!

I think overall it’s a good development, though I’m still sort of processing how I feel about it. Hopefully it will continue. Right now, I’m basking in the knowledge that if something needs to be done, I can just do it, rather than ignoring the issues for months until it has to be dealt with.

Don’t get me wrong, everything isn’t magically better. I haven’t progressed in my proofreading course, though I feel like I might be able to now, and I still play video games a little too much. But it’s the first real sign of progress that I’ve had since I started this journey a year ago, and that makes me feel pretty hopeful.

Restless heart

I started taking a new medication recently, and it is having the most bizarre effect. I feel a constant need to be doing something. Which, for someone who has gone years without really wanting to do much of anything except play games, is highly unusual. I think it’s something called akithisia, which can be a side effect of the new med, but I guess I’ll have to call my doctor and see what he thinks.

On the silver lining side, I got my bedroom and closet almost completely cleared out today. It took like 6 hours, 2 contractor grade trash bags, and 5 smaller bags for Goodwill. Turns out, I had a lot of shit that didn’t fit anymore. But now it’s out and the closet looks great. We also got a shoe rack that we put up in the laundry room (near the garage door), so now my shoes aren’t tripping everyone up when they go in the closet. Yay!

On the cloudy side, I think I’ve been driving Jon a bit crazy. I’ve just been constantly needing to do something, but the things that we usually do together don’t require any movement, so they’re harder for me to do right now. I’m also having a little trouble finding words (mild aphasia?), so that can be frustrating (I couldn’t even think of “floor cleaner” at the store today, which made the poor associate look at me like I was an idiot.)

I’ve been playing a lot of Animal Crossing: New Horizons lately. It’s a lot of fun, enough that I got Jon interested in it too. I really want to work on my island, but I’m having some trouble focusing enough to really accomplish much. But we’re still having fun with it, at least. Hopefully he won’t murder me in my sleep because I’m so restless~

Me dancing to KK Bubblegum in my room, after a long day working at home.

I’d like to write more, but honestly I’m having trouble sitting still again, so I guess I’ll will end here. Hopefully this stops soon, it’s very frustrating.

♪ It’s been a while… ♪

As usual, I failed to keep up with my writing. But I’m back now. It’s been a pretty rough year. Jon has been sick for 6 months (and out of work), I’ve been struggling with my depression, and I’ve realized that I kind of hate my job. I like some of the people I work with, but the actual work that I do holds no interest for me anymore. It doesn’t help that Jon works in the same place, with the same people, but is higher up in the chain. I am stuck, as my therapist says, in Jon’s shadow, and that’s not a great place to be.

It’s funny, because I’ve never really thought about it that way, but it’s true. I’ve spent so much of my life wishing that I could be as good at getting things done as Jon is, or as good at some video game as Jon. It’s stupid, because there are plenty of things that *I* can do: I can make web apps, I can do some web design, I knit, I read, I write.. I could be better than I am at all those things, but they are things that are mine, rather than his or ours. I think I need to make an effort to both expand that list of things and to be better at remembering that it exists.

In any case, I think I want to quit my job. I’ve been thinking that since last summer, but it’s been more of a stress-avoidance feeling than anything else until recently. I’ve been thinking since my last appointment with my therapist about what I might do if I didn’t have my job any more. And somehow, I randomly ended up reading a question on from someone who had a disability that prevented them from working normal 9-5 hours, and one of the answers mentioned maybe doing remote copyediting or proofreading. And that set off fireworks in my brain.

I’m good at writing and good at proofreading — Jon and my former boss ask me to proof their emails or documents pretty frequently, and I had a huge part in getting our unit documentation in order. What’s more, I think that kind of job would be of the form where I would get discrete tasks and have to do them, generally with a pretty hard and fast deadline. And that’s what I want. If it happened to come with a side of working from home, that would be even better. So I’m going to look into it. I was so fired up that I got off my ass, got over my stupid phone anxiety for 10 minutes (talked to a very lovely older woman, so not only was it not scary, but it was actually pretty nice), and got my college email account reset so I could access things like requesting a transcript. I don’t know if I want to go back to school, but where I work has a pretty good Technical Writing program that would probably be useful if I did. I might check and see if the community college has something more focused on proofreading, though.

It’s weird. I don’t know if it’s the prospect of something new or the prospect of just getting out of my current position, but I actually kind of feel good about this right now. To the point where I wanted to write about it, even. I don’t know if this feeling will last, but it feels like it could be the beginning of an upswing. I really hope it is.

© Hyperbole and a Half

*clap clap*

Tank Anxiety

I play Final Fantasy 14, an MMO based in the Final Fantasy universe. I love this game. I’ve played through the story 5 times, even though the game lets you level up multiple jobs on a character, which mostly removes the need for “alts”. But the story is great and the gameplay is fun and really, I just love it.

However, every time I try to play a “tank” character, I freak out, get too afraid to actually queue for dungeons, and then I quit playing it. And it’s so stupid. I did a dungeon today where our tank did almost nothing. They ran to the next group of mobs and pulled one, but they never did any AOE threat, never responded to any chat messages, just.. I half think that they must have been a bot, because surely no actual person could be that terrible, right? Anyway, we made it through the dungeon anyway, even though it was annoying.

So, if rando bot person can tank, why can’t I? I know I can do better than that. Actually, I’m pretty sure I can do just fine, but my brain gets skeered and I’m afraid people will be mean to me, and it’s ridiculous. I’m a good player, for the most part. I’m not perfect, and I don’t always optimize the best, but I do my job the best I can and obviously that is good enough according to the game. Why can’t I get over this stupid anxiety?

Me, most days

‘Here we go again’ again

"You know that sound the fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my mind makes all the time."

As is normal for me, I made a single post some 9 months ago and never followed up with anything. But I’m starting therapy in a few weeks and my thoughts have been more garbage disposal-like than ever of late, so it seemed a good idea to try this again.

The worst part of it all is that my motivation has sunk so low that I rarely get any work done at all. I’ve managed to finagle my way out of trouble so far, but I feel terrible about it. You’d think that would lead to motivation to do work, but it hasn’t. I’m hopeful that the therapy will help, but I don’t know enough to be real confident. I just feel so stuck. I know in my brain that I need to do work, but the impulse never results in action. How can that even be? Am I’m just lazy? Does the signal get lost somewhere between my brain and my hands?

That said. This also gave me a bit of a creative outlet and a chance to learn more about the new Blocks editor in WordPress which may come in handy at work (if I can ever find my motivation). Jon and I are starting up a website for our Eberron 5e campaign; my lack of motivation may be an issue there too, but maybe I’ll enjoy it enough.

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