the ramblings of an anxious mind

My Brain, the Garbage Disposal

Today has been one of those days where I’m restless and want to do something, but I just don’t know what. Setting up this site re-ignited my interest in web design, even though I think I’m pretty happy with the current theme – I’m not going to be doing much with this blog aside from writing, so I don’t need anything fancy. Nevertheless, I started looking into doing theme development and re-discovered the rabbit hole that is web design in 2019.

I’m used to using Sass, a CSS pre-processor that lets you do design a bit more programmatically, so I tried to install that. The installer politely informed me that “Ruby Sass” was end of life (!!!) and that the new version was now “Dart Sass” (!?!). What? So then I had to figure out how to install that and update my path and everything. But I finally figured all that out, yay me.

Another tool that I was really accustomed to was cloud9, a in-browser development IDE and server container. It was awesome! You could make a new instance as much as you wanted, with a number of different flavors for the OS and installed languages. You could clone other instances, so once you got one setup with all the dependencies that you wanted, you could just start with that instance and go from there. It was amazing. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that it got bought out by Amazon, but here we are. It still exists, but now it lives in Amazon AWS, which is.. a huge convoluted dumpster fire that really deserves its own post. The best thing about cloud9 was that it pretty much removed most of the “dev-ops” requirement of coding (wherein you had to know how to setup a server and a database, etc., just to get started). And now most of it is still like that, but like.. you’re in AWS! Which is huge and terrifying and has way too many moving parts and what if I fuck up and run my charges up to some massive amount accidentally? AHHHHH.

And then there’s WordPress. Which has honestly come a long way since my last serious forays into theme development. And that’s great! But there is so much crap to learn. So many pages and templates and widgets and much. Add to it that I kind of hate JavaScript and its BFF ‘npm’, and the fact that the webdev world seems to worship at the alter of ‘npm’ these days, and I’m having a rough time.

As if all of that wasn’t enough, I don’t even know what I want to do! I like this theme. I like other themes with a fixed left side-bar or background. I like minimalist fonts and fancy fonts and bright colors and subtle colors and special effects and simplicity and it’s just infuriating. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, BRAIN??? JUST PICK SOMETHING ALREADY. >.<

So instead, I came here to bitch. Maybe I’ll still try to make something, I don’t know. I should be doing work, but instead I’m trying to resurrect an all-but-dead skill with no goal or direction or anything beyond “that sounds fun” or “this could be better”. *sigh*

rest in peace, old friend

I lost an old friend today. It feels strange to describe it that way, because it’s nothing “more” than a really old keyboard. But that keyboard has been with me my entire adult life. It went with me to college and followed me to where I live now, some 20 years and several moves later.

I’m a gamer and programmer, and it’s safe to say that I spend the vast majority of my life in front of my keyboard. Of course, the keyboard at work counts for a lot of that time, but nevertheless, my beloved Logitech Cordless Comfort keyboard was exactly what I wanted and worked flawlessly for 20 years, through changing interface technology (its wireless receiver still has a PS/2 plug on it, though it thankfully also has a USB) and changes in the average keyboard design.

And, it turns out, it’s irreplaceable. There is no keyboard on the market currently that has the same features that made me love my old friend: wireless, ergonomic (split keyboard), with a removable wrist rest and a relatively small footprint. I’ll have to make do with something like the Microsoft Natural Keyboard, which, while it will get the job done, is so much bigger than my Logitech that it feels completely different in the keyboard drawer.

You served me well, Logitech Cordless Comfort keyboard, and you won’t be forgotten. Rest in peace, my friend.

Wise words from Matoya

You can only do what can be done, and that but one thing at a time!

Matoya from FFXIV

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with having to do so many things, but it’s good to remember that I need not worry about the things I cannot do, and that the only way to make progress is by picking one thing and doing it, then the next, and so on. I don’t need to juggle to get things done; I just need to do one thing. These days, any one thing would be better progress than I usually make.

Me, most days

My cats being beautiful~

‘Here we go again’ again

"You know that sound the fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my mind makes all the time."

As is normal for me, I made a single post some 9 months ago and never followed up with anything. But I’m starting therapy in a few weeks and my thoughts have been more garbage disposal-like than ever of late, so it seemed a good idea to try this again.

The worst part of it all is that my motivation has sunk so low that I rarely get any work done at all. I’ve managed to finagle my way out of trouble so far, but I feel terrible about it. You’d think that would lead to motivation to do work, but it hasn’t. I’m hopeful that the therapy will help, but I don’t know enough to be real confident. I just feel so stuck. I know in my brain that I need to do work, but the impulse never results in action. How can that even be? Am I’m just lazy? Does the signal get lost somewhere between my brain and my hands?

That said. This also gave me a bit of a creative outlet and a chance to learn more about the new Blocks editor in WordPress which may come in handy at work (if I can ever find my motivation). Jon and I are starting up a website for our Eberron 5e campaign; my lack of motivation may be an issue there too, but maybe I’ll enjoy it enough.

Here we go again

I’ve been  having a lot of random feelings lately and thought I might benefit from writing them down.  We’ll see if I actually bother, but I guess it’s a start.  Maybe I’ll try to write a basic summary of how I feel every day before bed.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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